I am a Woman, Of Course

 

It's March, women's month! Ended up writing a poem (?) as I was trying to answer the statement, "I am a woman, of course _____" posted by the Philippine Commission on Women (PCW) as an infographic. 

Here's the poem:

I am a woman, of course 

by Ivee Bongosia

 

I am a woman, of course

They tell me to speak my mind

But not too much

Or I’ll be labeled difficult.

 

I am a woman, of course

I must express how I feel

But not too much

Or they’ll think I’m unhinged

 

I am a woman, of course

I lead with confidence

But not too much

Or they’ll hate me for being bossy

 

I am a woman, of course

I maintain an OK body

Just make it OK, not too skinny, muscular, curvy, plump

Because anything too much is not OK

 

I am a woman, of course

I must balance home, work, hobbies, socials

And settle for the residuals of my time

To finally let it all loose and just be

 

I am a woman, of course

I should tell my story

But don’t make it too too long,

Or they'll interrupt mid-way with “Well, actually…”

 

I am a woman, of course

They tell me to smile more

But not too much

Or I’ll be seen as over-eager, insincere, weak.

 

I am a woman, of course

I wear what I want

But they say that too demure won’t get me dates

And too sexy might get me raped

 

I am a woman, of course

I am strong

But not too strong, OK

Don’t be too proud, too self-reliant, it’s not feminine they say

 

I am a woman, of course

I follow my heart

But don’t be too out there they say,

And don’t be too perfect, too flawed

Too settled, too unfettered

Too expansive, too reserved

As if being too anything

Might disrupt something in them

As if being too raw, too real

Might take away their ripeness

Their aliveness

But I am as alive too.

I am a woman, of course

I care, I give, I make

I've carved out my space.

And I exist as me.

Just like you.

And I will always hold and harness

What is true, good, beautiful, strong, and real

Because I am a woman, of course.

Written: March 2, 2024

(stock photo from Canva)

Bagong Paksa (song in progress)

 

Bakit, bakit hindi mo kilala ang iyong sarili?

Sino, sino ka nga ba?

Bakit sinisisi mo ang oras at ang iyong paligid?

'Di lamang ikaw ang biktima

Hindi pa huli para baguhin ang iyong tadhana

'Kaw lamang ang may kapangyarihang magbago ng tema...

Sino ka nga ba?

Sino ba ang bida?

Hindi pa huli para baguhin ang iyong tadhana

Malaya ka,

Pumili ka ng bagong paksa...

Bakit... (next verses still a work in progress) 

- Ivee (WIP)

What Happened to/in the Pink Movement?

 

It's been a year since former VP Leni Robredo formally announced her candidacy. October 7, 2021. I remember doing an improv HAPPY dance, jumping for joy, and announcing that she was going to win (at least in my head). Then my obsession with Pink shortly began and half my T-Shirt drawer turned ROSAS.

Oh, what a year it has been. And what a loss we took in May. 

We did our part, we volunteered, campaigned in ways that we can.

In hindsight, the MOVEMENT that we were in may have been pink, but it sure was very colorful.

VP Leni, our bet, represented so many good things, a beacon of hope for us. As a person, as a public servant, she was IT. She introduced concepts like Radikal na Pagmamahal (which I even wrote a song about, as it was too inspiring). She was calm, collected, and engaging with her volunteer campaigners and everyone, really. She had the track record. She was the next President, for sure.

However the Pink Movement is also a movement of people who are not like VP Leni, and that's the reality.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it any further, but: 

What happened to the Pink Movement? More importantly, what happened IN the pink movement (community)?

To be honest, I can't say it was all rosy. A friend wrote about this, saying that since it was a purely volunteer-driven campaign, no one was accountable.

Were we a bunch of good-willed people? Yes. Were we helpful and hopeful? Yes.

Were we at times condescending too? Yes. Unable to expand our own worldview? At times.

Don't get me wrong, I am a full-blooded Kakampink, and I really look up to VP Leni and everything she represents. But maybe I had my head submerged deep into the Pink waters that after May, when I breathed for air, I looked back and was also disappointed, mostly by many a Kakampink.

I know people who are BBM supporters who are way more respectful, present, and kinder than some Kakampinks I know. To think our "brand" was that of supposed kindness, love, and all the mushy things.

(I know, I know, a lot of the BBM-ers are condescending and downright mean too, at least the human ones. The trolls don't count. 😁)

It was a misstep to put our trust solely on good will & benevolence when we didn't approach things objectively and skillfully.

We were conducting activities here and there without really assessing the impact we had. I agree, Lugaw is symbolic. But maybe in these times of poverty and difficulty for many, there's no bandwidth to process these symbolisms. If you're hungry, there is no time to be kind much less believe those who seem to be kind but are obviously eating more than 3 meals a day. Right?

VP Leni was the real deal. But not everyone felt it, or believed it. Yes we had misinformation and disinformation. And that sucks. Yes, the numbers/election results aren't real, I know they're not.

But I am not talking about the results here. I am talking about the process. It's too late to point fingers, re-open or lick wounds, and wish things could have been better. We have the next elections to change our ways and be better, for sure. 

Win or lose, in hindsight, it was pretty messy in many MANY ways.

But that's what love is. (Haha naks, love agad).

Love is messy. Working with people is messy. 

I am happy to have been a part of it, and meet so many amazing people along the way, and witness the hard work of those whose intentions were/are pure and only truly wanted to help change the course of our history/herstory.

But as humans, we are not perfect. And that's it.

Also, no one could ever predict the outcome. But to be honest I never thought we would lose, really. I was 100% sure we would win, especially after witnessing how so many volunteers tirelessly did everything they can to win. Maybe this overconfidence made us complacent? 

We hyped ourselves up without looking back down and seeing who we've ostracized, whether within the group or not. We patted ourselves on the back for a Lugawan well done without asking those who attended, "Do you even like lugaw? What could we do better next time?" Then attempts to evaluate an activity objectively were met with backlash. And since no one was accountable and no one person steered the boat, everyone wanted to steer, sometimes to the point of it being an ego contest. When one group showed up  for an event, another group would be pissed and upset about it. Grown adults fighting for their rightful spot in the playground.

We had so many Teams/niche groups- "____ for Leni" so caught up in proving we were all so productive, when at times we were running around like headless chickens. More than productivity, were we truly cultivating meaning? Impact? Impact is way more important than Intention, I think.Some groups felt very exclusive at times; even within the Kakampink sphere, the Us vs. Them mentality was very much alive. 

We called the other camp/s dumb and stupid and yes some of them are, but maybe, just maybe, they're acting out from a place of GENUINE belief that their candidate is truly a good person? (I know I've done that one too many times- debate with people on social media). Not everyone thinks the way we do, and it's SO hard to wrap our heads around that ( Metacognition -thinking about how we think, which is a mind-blowing concept). 

Should we have appealed to people's hearts that much and broadcasted abstract concepts like Love and Light and sang about Hope constantly, when people just wanted to know if they were going to have a better life? I don't know the answer, but I just wish we toned down on the us versus them mentality and the "join us because we're a bunch of people who are nice and smart and Godly". No wonder many people got turned off. And don't get me started on rally attendees saying things like, "Hindi kami binayaran noh, lunch ko palang 600pesos na." How elitist can one statement be?

Ahh, so many things we did wrong, huh. 

One thing we did right was stand behind the person we believed in, up to the last second and even post-elections.

I am of course grateful for the year that was, and sad for what could have been. I can only imagine how breezier it probably is now had VP Leni won. But no, we have a president who is more focused on vlogging and going to car racing events than doing his job.

VP Leni would surely show up for the job, and would step up too. 

And that's what I learned from the year that was --- show up to step up. Showing up is hard already, honestly. And after the series of disappointments during the campaign period and of course the results, lately I haven't been adamant on showing up. 

It's done, it's over, and attempts to evaluate our own efforts should have been done during the campaign and not right now. Only if these will benefit us for the next elections, but I doubt that.

Or are we just caressing each other and patting ourselves on the back once again?

I stay in the movement because of the friendships (with a select few), though I am not so enthusiastic about whatever we're doing now. Maybe for now, the only way I can show up is to just be, and to quietly support our Kakampink friends. Maybe living the values that VP Leni has shared and shown, and the goals she and this movement have written, need not be exclusive to joining Angat Buhay or whatever groups we're forming. "Good work is service in itself"- I can't remember where I read or heard this, but I so agree. In whatever space one occupies, we can be of help and continue to work towards a better community and country (naks). 

I sure hope many BBM supporters now regret their decision, what with a lazy president, declining quality of life, heightened acts of impunity, historical distortion, and so much more, and I also hope that many Kakampinks will now see that being a Kakampink is more than just the Election results or the exclusive factions we've formed.

It's a movement we live every day, not when it's cool or popular or viral or may elicit social media engagement. It's time to rise above the pink waters and really see that all colors are beautiful.

Your forever Kakampink,

Ivee😃💗

(10/07/22)

 

The European w/ the Epic 471MB Flash Drive

 

The European with the 471MB USB

From time to time, customers at our food place would compliment our piped in music. Not to brag, but I do curate our playlist to match the mood of the place. Music contributes a lot to the ambiance and overall experience. I love doing it too, an excuse to search for more music and expand my own personal catalog.

The shop’s music collection is stored in a bunch of USBs that we alternately plug into our speakers. I recently just updated one USB to accommodate Christmas music (yes, we’re slowly crawling our way to Christmas so might as well soften the “blow” by conditioning ourselves through music haha.)

Recently, our staff said that a customer once again expressed how much he loved our music, praising one particular song. He asked for the title, but no one in the store knew. I wasn’t present that time. He and my partner chatted a bit and my partner mentioned that it was me who’s in charge of our store music and I was the one who could provide the song title.

A few days later, he came back to dine in again. I was present that time, so we chatted a bit. Let’s call him Fred. He is German who lives in Switzerland and travels the world for work. The dream life. He was in Baguio for a few weeks to conduct some business with the LGU.

I asked him, what was that particular song you liked? He said, it was a male singer, with a guitar, and the song is relaxing, warm. He couldn’t remember the melody though.

In my mind: Oh no, that could be any song. That particular USB is 90% folk/indie/acoustic.

Good thing he conveniently had a blank/empty USB with him, and I volunteered to transfer all the music from our USB to his (at least the USB that contained his desired music). We worked on how he would pick it up, as I had no means to transfer the music that night- my laptop was at home. He was also about to leave Baguio in 2 days. We agreed that he would pick it up the next day.

Funny how I even said, “If you want, I can give you all my music since you seem to love folk.”

He said, “If it’s not much of a hassle?’

I said, “No, it will probably only take 5 clicks max.”

He said thanks. It’s always nice to share music with strangers.

I made a mental note to do it first thing when I get home.

That night, when I arrived home, I plugged his USB into my laptop, ready to do those 5 clicks:

Click 1: Open folder of USB A (I keep a back-up in the laptop of the catalog in every USB. Music is that essential.)

Click 2: Ctrl +A  – Select All

Click 3: Ctrl + C – Copy

Click 4: Open his USB…

---- OH.

His USB’s storage is 471MB… that’s not even 5 albums.

Abort!!!

Oh no… how am I going to transfer all the music from USB A, when the entire catalog is about 2.5 GB?

How come a European from a Developed country STILL owns a USB like this? Hahaha kidding.

Funny how I simply assumed that no one owns a 400+MB USB anymore. Last time I had one was in college, in 2006.

If only I knew which song he liked, I would just transfer that specific album/playlist. Most of these albums are MP3s converted from 2-hour YouTube playlists, so 1 playlist file is about 90MB-120MB at least. And the USB had about 10 playlists in there, plus other albums and popular songs that didn’t match the description of his song choice. His song is definitely in one of those YouTube-to-mp3 playlists.

I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I also didn’t know how I was going to make things possible at this point. The first step I thought of was to eliminate/delete all those albums and songs that I was sure didn’t match the description of THE song. Next was to compress the remaining playlists. I went online to find an MP3 compressor that would turn 120MB files to 50MB ones.

Those 5 clicks I predicted that would take up a maximum of 5 minutes… turned into multiple clicks and 2 hours. Hello, Philippine Internet. LOL. Anyway, I would compress one file, and leave it loading, then go about my evening, then do another, and so on.

Finally, when all files were able to fit the epic 471MB USB, I called it a night, put the USB in an envelope, scribbled “for Fred” with a marker, and put it in my bag, making a mental note to hand it to our staff or my partner the next day to hand to him.

It was all worth it, because not only did he leave a Thank You note, he also left a bottle of Soju. He wrote that if ever my partner and I find ourselves in Germany or Switzerland one day, we should contact him. His email address was scribbled on the note too.

Two hours is nothing compared to making a new friend, for sure, who will hopefully enjoy the music wherever he is in the world (he said he was off to India next). Music in his 471 MB USB (sorry, it is now an inside joke).

We surely enjoyed the Soju, 3/4 of which I drank.

Any other person interested to have music transferred to your flash drive, please bring one with 8 GB storage space at least…

- Ivee (10/06/22)

You Glow in the Dark (Work in Progress)

 

You Glow in the Dark (song in progress)

She said you looked away from the sunlight.
You wore sunglasses, closed your eyes
Turned to the other side
It's OK, she said, maybe it's too much,
too soon for you to recognize.
One thing's for sure, she understands.
Sometimes we're too preoccupied,
feeling our way through darkness,
mirroring our own shadows,
nodding to illusions.

She's happy with an oil lamp,
a flashlight, a spark from a firefly,
all alone in this forest she's called her own.
But there is a glimmer from afar,
maybe a lighthouse.
Flashing by the corner of her eye,
waiting, a car on high beam.

Light is meant to be shared,
it's either now or never.
Even the dimmest lightbulb gives its all.
Darkness simply brings out your spotlight even more.
Can't you see? She can see that ...

You glow in the dark,
you glow in the dark.
Even from afar she saw your pure heart.
Within an armor,
inside a cold stone,
she knows yours is warmth.
A light that beams,
shadows forming a beautiful scene,
You stand out from the crowd.

You glow in the dark.

 

- Ivee B (inprogress)

Despite Sickness

Today, three friends and I visited the homes of two friends, both recovering from ailments.

The first one is a visual artist, who suffered from paralysis & heart problems last year. We're happy to see him painting again.

The second one, a crafter, suffered a stroke years ago and is still unable to move the left part of her body. Thankfully, her joyful energy never faltered, greeting us with so much warmth and excitement.

Seeing them today was a bit of a reminder of how fleeting & insignificant most of our concerns are, how basic things like the ability to move and carry out simple tasks should not be taken for granted. I am happy to see them both recovering, that even in sickness they try to move within their space, within their capacities. 

Friend number 1 is still painting, creating, despite the physical difficulty of doing so.

Friend number 2 has maintained her "loudness" (her words), her infectious laughter, and entertained us by telling us stories of her many interests, from bugs to Mesopotamia.

Workspace of Friend number 1

After bread, coffee, and stories were shared, my friends and I left our second friend with a bit of a heavy heart, that helpless feeling of not being able to change her situation. We decided to "process" our experiences over a bowl of noodles and bread. Most of the processing was really just us shedding off the weight quietly as we had our lunch. Later on, we asked each other - what was our takeaway from the interaction?

"Deepen connections, take care of each other," said one friend.

"Don't be too extreme or hard on yourself, everything in moderation," said another.

"We never know when sickness hits us," said the other

Aside from all that they've said, I'm also asking myself, "what are my perceived limitations and how can I move within this space in my own capacities?"

In a way, I saw that glimmer of empowerment in them, and how DESPITE these difficulties, they move, they carry on with their day, no excuses. This is not to undermine how hard their situation is, or anyone's situation for that matter. This is the situation, this is the circumstance, this is the condition. Now what? 

I read somewhere that we can only truly just show up every single day, with no expectation of perfection or control. As a bit of a closet perfectionist, this is a breather. 

We can't do it alone, we need community, and maybe that's a big chunk of the "now what" part. 

I just wish for them to get better fully, so they can move further and take up more space.

Let us take care of ourselves, let us take care of each other... 

- Ivee B (10/04/22)

Pag-Usad (song)

 

photo taken in 2021

PAG-USAD (song)

Natapos din, ngunit hindi nakamit ang ninanais, ang pinaghirapan mo.

Hindi lahat ng layunin ay makakamtan, 'di ibig sabihing ito'y walang kahulugan.

Maglakad at maglakbay, ikumpas ang iyong kamay sa pintig ng iyong puso kahit na...

Tila naisantabi ang layunin.

Nakapikit ang katabi at nasisilaw pa sa liwanag ng pag-asa

Ayos lang, hawakan ang kanyang kamay.

At magpatuloy sa pag-usad...

At sa iyong paglakad, ang daan ma'y mabato

O baka maputik ang tatahakan mo.

Natural lang yan, may daan ding aspalto

Huwag mag-alala, kasama mo ako...

Maglakad at maglakbay, ikumpas ang iyong kamay sa pintig ng iyong puso kahit na...

Tila naisantabi ang layunin.

Nakapikit ang katabi at nasisilaw pa sa liwanag ng pag-asa

Ayos lang, hawakan ang kanyang kamay.

At magpatuloy sa pag-usad...

-Ivee B.