Joni Mitchell’s “Blue” turned 50 on June 22, 2021. I don’t know about you, but 1971 seemed to be a year when the musical gods and goddesses decided to shower endless inspiration to songwriters, singers, and musicians. There are just SO many great songs & albums released in 1971, well in the 70s overall.
I have always been an old soul and musically, moreso. Joni’s “Blue” album has always been around my space. I mean, I was born a decade a half plus minus after its release.
For years since college I’ve had files of Joni’s music in my old floppy disks (kidding, CDs). I don’t even know how I had them, I think my older brother Thommuel put them there, back when making mixtapes was tantamount to saying “you matter” or “sorry” or “hello”.
But I was only really interested in some Joni songs like “Big Yellow Taxi” and “Woodstock” and “Both Sides Now,” and didn’t care for the rest. Maybe listening to and appreciating certain types of songs require a level of depth and emotional slash musical maturity, which I didn’t have back then (I dont know if I have it now but whatever).
So years passed, I would sing Both Sides Now, Circle Game (which my musician friend introduced to me), and Big Yellow Taxi, plus Woodstock, but that was it. They were all songs, you know, songs you sing, you play, because if you supposedly like folk you should at least know some Joni songs.
One day in 2017, I was using the computer in an internet shop (the one at Porta Vaga which eventually closed. FYI non-Baguio residents, Porta Vaga is this mini-mall here in Baguio that has the cleanest 2nd floor restroom in the history of clean mall restrooms). Our laptop at home was wonky and I needed to do some random computer work. The caucasian ( is it racist to say caucasian) guy two computers away was talking so loud to whoever he was conversing with online, almost shouting. So I put on the headphones provided (which in hindsight is kinda not the most hygeinic thing to do), opened YouTube, and looked for music to play. I cannot remember how I stumbled upon Blue. I think it was a recommendation from YouTube, or something that was auto-played after several songs, or the musical spirits possessing me to type “jni mitchl blu” (admit it you type like that too). I can’t remember.
But lo and behold. A Case of You played. And I just found myself... dumbstruck. I paused. Listened. Then I found myself...crying. Crying! Seriously. Right there in the middle of a sad old internet shop. Not dramatic-levels-crying- with-runny-swelling-nose, but still-poised-with-tears-gently-running-down-your-cheeks type of crying. Then I opened an entire playlist, a playlist of Joni Mitchell’s “Blue” album, and I ended up staying for another hour at that net shop.
The feeling it gave me.. it was almost like it carved a hollowness in my heart. You know witnessing something so beautiful it makes you both happy and melancholic, because it’s SO beautiful, it consumes you? Hmmm... so beautiful it’s limitless but then you can’t really do anything about it, except, witness it?
I don’t know what I was going through that time; maybe “Blue” simply echoed my current inner world that time, made it tangible. Joni’s voice in that particular album was tainted, or embellished, with something that’s not sadness but also not joy... not dread, not anticipation... not frustration and not celebration. Not the excitement of love nor the agony of it. She didn’t sound like she was madly in love, nor did she sound like she experienced unrequited love. She didn’t sound like she was angry nor did she sound grateful.
None of those.
So many things it’s not. I guess her voice, her singing, her music in that album... felt very impermanent, transitory.
Very nuanced, like...how everything really is. Unlike many if not most songs, love songs in particular, that would either say “I Will Always Love You” and “I don’t wanna miss a thing,” Joni said things like “All i really want our love to do is to bring out the best in me and in you too” and “I made my baby say goodbye” and “i could drink a case of you and i would still be on my feet.” (SO thankful she didn’t write, “i could drink a case of you and I can’t move" or something. Thank goodness she said she said she is still able to stand firmly.)
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| Joni's self-portrait |
Listening to Blue the 1st time, learning its songs, eventually falling in love with A Case of You, studying and listening to it for a full year before I even had the guts to sing it, really opened new doors for me as a singer. Not only did I get to explore new singing techniques (for instance jumping from one octave to another, from two vocal placements making sure you stay with the pitch!), new guitar tunings (Joni has over 51 tunings), and new ways with words, it has also affirmed that we need to continue staying vulnerable and embrace our experiences fully, with no judgment. That's how Joni has always been, even in her personal life. She had her own struggles, had several heartbreaks, gave up a child for adoption in her young adulthood, eventually rekindling with her daughter after many decades but not having a great relationship with her as they were basically strangers.
Of course I do not advocate for that struggling, starving, sad artist image. We do not always need suffering to create beautiful, worthwhile, meaningful things. Also it’s not always about us. I’m sure Joni was and is not always writing about herself, as it would obviously be a limited way of sharing. We don’t know everything, and our filter won’t suffice to represent the bajillion ways other people filter similar experiences, like heartbreak, or happiness, or going back home to California (e.g. her song “California”).
Joni didn’t bother erase her femininity to look like she could rock. She was wearing these lovely dresses while out-guitaring, out-writing many male artists (ehem, Bob Dylan, who sounds like nails on a chalkboard, sorry. Many say he didn’t deserve the Nobel prize, and I don’t have any opinions about that, but all i know is my head hurts every time I listen to him sing. Like a Rolling Stone and Blowing in the Wind are tolerable but that’s basically it). She didn’t oversexualize herself too, not that it matters, but she was just...herself. A person who can write songs, who can sing, who can play, and she happened to be female. No biggie.
Vulnerability is a central theme in Blue, and not in a fragile, shaky, obsessive, neurotic, desperate way, but in a very self-aware and almost unapologetic sense. My struggle as a person has always been avoiding showing vulnerabilities, to appear normal and likeable. I’m the LAST person who will ask for help or reach out, swear. I always perceive myself as the helpful person, not the needy one. I grew up pretty independent, fending for myself and being left alone since god knows when, so I’m used to really taking care of myself, but of course we all need a little help sometimes, right? We all wear masks, for sure (and I don’t mean facemasks to prevent COVID-19 transmission). We need masks & mild pretenses to survive in a supposedly civilized society. What I’m learning in the last few years is to not wear a mask, but maybe just a translucent veil. It’s OK to be vulnerable. It’s OK to need help sometimes, to make mistakes and not carry everything.
What makes us who we are, whether artist or person, are these vulnerabilities. Maybe it’s what makes us relatable. Joni is a voice that sings how she herself made bad choices, mistakes, and had ambivalence over many things, yet she's OK. How empowering.
“Blue” is the album that makes you like it more and more every time you encounter it, like genuine people you grow more fond of every time you meet them.
That’s it. Genuine. Joni’s “Blue” album simply reminds us, me, that at the end of the day when everything is stripped, when there is no fanfare, no loud drums, no Facebook posts to collect likes and hearts, and just your voice, or your head hitting the pillow... are you happy? Are you yourself? Are you at peace? Did you hurt anyone? Do you regret your life and your past actions? Did you make the most of yesterday?
“All I really want to do... is to bring out the best in me and in you too” - Joni sings in the first track, All I Want.
May we always just wish to bring out and see the best in every person we encounter, and in ourselves too.
-ivee
{{{btw to celebrate Joni's "Blue" I did a tribute last June 22. :) }}
photo credits:
1. Joni Mitchell's Blue cover art from covermesongs.com (altered)
2. "Joni Mitchell self-portrait" by Jenny J is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
