Bakit, bakit hindi mo kilala ang iyong sarili?
Sino, sino ka nga ba?
Bakit sinisisi mo ang oras at ang iyong paligid?
'Di lamang ikaw ang biktima
Hindi pa huli para baguhin ang iyong tadhana
'Kaw lamang ang may kapangyarihang magbago ng tema...
Sino ka nga ba?
Sino ba ang bida?
Hindi pa huli para baguhin ang iyong tadhana
Malaya ka,
Pumili ka ng bagong paksa...
Bakit... (next verses still a work in progress)
- Ivee (WIP)
It's been a year since former VP Leni Robredo formally announced her candidacy. October 7, 2021. I remember doing an improv HAPPY dance, jumping for joy, and announcing that she was going to win (at least in my head). Then my obsession with Pink shortly began and half my T-Shirt drawer turned ROSAS.
Oh, what a year it has been. And what a loss we took in May.
We did our part, we volunteered, campaigned in ways that we can.
In hindsight, the MOVEMENT that we were in may have been pink, but it sure was very colorful.
VP Leni, our bet, represented so many good things, a beacon of hope for us. As a person, as a public servant, she was IT. She introduced concepts like Radikal na Pagmamahal (which I even wrote a song about, as it was too inspiring). She was calm, collected, and engaging with her volunteer campaigners and everyone, really. She had the track record. She was the next President, for sure.
However the Pink Movement is also a movement of people who are not like VP Leni, and that's the reality.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it any further, but:
What happened to the Pink Movement? More importantly, what happened IN the pink movement (community)?
To be honest, I can't say it was all rosy. A friend wrote about this, saying that since it was a purely volunteer-driven campaign, no one was accountable.
Were we a bunch of good-willed people? Yes. Were we helpful and hopeful? Yes.
Were we at times condescending too? Yes. Unable to expand our own worldview? At times.
Don't get me wrong, I am a full-blooded Kakampink, and I really look up to VP Leni and everything she represents. But maybe I had my head submerged deep into the Pink waters that after May, when I breathed for air, I looked back and was also disappointed, mostly by many a Kakampink.
I know people who are BBM supporters who are way more respectful, present, and kinder than some Kakampinks I know. To think our "brand" was that of supposed kindness, love, and all the mushy things.
(I know, I know, a lot of the BBM-ers are condescending and downright mean too, at least the human ones. The trolls don't count. 😁)
It was a misstep to put our trust solely on good will & benevolence when we didn't approach things objectively and skillfully.
We were conducting activities here and there without really assessing the impact we had. I agree, Lugaw is symbolic. But maybe in these times of poverty and difficulty for many, there's no bandwidth to process these symbolisms. If you're hungry, there is no time to be kind much less believe those who seem to be kind but are obviously eating more than 3 meals a day. Right?
VP Leni was the real deal. But not everyone felt it, or believed it. Yes we had misinformation and disinformation. And that sucks. Yes, the numbers/election results aren't real, I know they're not.
But I am not talking about the results here. I am talking about the process. It's too late to point fingers, re-open or lick wounds, and wish things could have been better. We have the next elections to change our ways and be better, for sure.
Win or lose, in hindsight, it was pretty messy in many MANY ways.
But that's what love is. (Haha naks, love agad).
Love is messy. Working with people is messy.
I am happy to have been a part of it, and meet so many amazing people along the way, and witness the hard work of those whose intentions were/are pure and only truly wanted to help change the course of our history/herstory.
But as humans, we are not perfect. And that's it.
Also, no one could ever predict the outcome. But to be honest I never thought we would lose, really. I was 100% sure we would win, especially after witnessing how so many volunteers tirelessly did everything they can to win. Maybe this overconfidence made us complacent?
We hyped ourselves up without looking back down and seeing who we've ostracized, whether within the group or not. We patted ourselves on the back for a Lugawan well done without asking those who attended, "Do you even like lugaw? What could we do better next time?" Then attempts to evaluate an activity objectively were met with backlash. And since no one was accountable and no one person steered the boat, everyone wanted to steer, sometimes to the point of it being an ego contest. When one group showed up for an event, another group would be pissed and upset about it. Grown adults fighting for their rightful spot in the playground.
We called the other camp/s dumb and stupid and yes some of them are, but maybe, just maybe, they're acting out from a place of GENUINE belief that their candidate is truly a good person? (I know I've done that one too many times- debate with people on social media). Not everyone thinks the way we do, and it's SO hard to wrap our heads around that ( Metacognition -thinking about how we think, which is a mind-blowing concept).
Should we have appealed to people's hearts that much and broadcasted abstract concepts like Love and Light and sang about Hope constantly, when people just wanted to know if they were going to have a better life? I don't know the answer, but I just wish we toned down on the us versus them mentality and the "join us because we're a bunch of people who are nice and smart and Godly". No wonder many people got turned off. And don't get me started on rally attendees saying things like, "Hindi kami binayaran noh, lunch ko palang 600pesos na." How elitist can one statement be?
Ahh, so many things we did wrong, huh.
One thing we did right was stand behind the person we believed in, up to the last second and even post-elections.
I am of course grateful for the year that was, and sad for what could have been. I can only imagine how breezier it probably is now had VP Leni won. But no, we have a president who is more focused on vlogging and going to car racing events than doing his job.
VP Leni would surely show up for the job, and would step up too.
And that's what I learned from the year that was --- show up to step up. Showing up is hard already, honestly. And after the series of disappointments during the campaign period and of course the results, lately I haven't been adamant on showing up.
It's done, it's over, and attempts to evaluate our own efforts should have been done during the campaign and not right now. Only if these will benefit us for the next elections, but I doubt that.
Or are we just caressing each other and patting ourselves on the back once again?
I stay in the movement because of the friendships (with a select few), though I am not so enthusiastic about whatever we're doing now. Maybe for now, the only way I can show up is to just be, and to quietly support our Kakampink friends. Maybe living the values that VP Leni has shared and shown, and the goals she and this movement have written, need not be exclusive to joining Angat Buhay or whatever groups we're forming. "Good work is service in itself"- I can't remember where I read or heard this, but I so agree. In whatever space one occupies, we can be of help and continue to work towards a better community and country (naks).
I sure hope many BBM supporters now regret their decision, what with a lazy president, declining quality of life, heightened acts of impunity, historical distortion, and so much more, and I also hope that many Kakampinks will now see that being a Kakampink is more than just the Election results or the exclusive factions we've formed.
It's a movement we live every day, not when it's cool or popular or viral or may elicit social media engagement. It's time to rise above the pink waters and really see that all colors are beautiful.
Your forever Kakampink,
Ivee😃💗
(10/07/22)
The European with the 471MB USB
From time to time, customers at our food place would compliment
our piped in music. Not to brag, but I do curate our playlist to match the mood
of the place. Music contributes a lot to the ambiance and overall experience. I
love doing it too, an excuse to search for more music and expand my own personal
catalog.
The shop’s music collection is stored in a bunch of USBs
that we alternately plug into our speakers. I recently just updated one USB to accommodate
Christmas music (yes, we’re slowly crawling our way to Christmas so might as
well soften the “blow” by conditioning ourselves through music haha.)
Recently, our staff said that a customer once again expressed
how much he loved our music, praising one particular song. He asked for the
title, but no one in the store knew. I wasn’t present that time. He and my
partner chatted a bit and my partner mentioned that it was me who’s in charge
of our store music and I was the one who could provide the song title.
A few days later, he came back to dine in again. I was
present that time, so we chatted a bit. Let’s call him Fred. He is German who
lives in Switzerland and travels the world for work. The dream life. He was in
Baguio for a few weeks to conduct some business with the LGU.
I asked him, what was that particular song you liked? He
said, it was a male singer, with a guitar, and the song is relaxing, warm. He couldn’t
remember the melody though.
In my mind: Oh no, that could be any song. That particular
USB is 90% folk/indie/acoustic.
Good thing he conveniently had a blank/empty USB with him,
and I volunteered to transfer all the music from our USB to his (at least the
USB that contained his desired music). We worked on how he would pick it up, as
I had no means to transfer the music that night- my laptop was at home. He was
also about to leave Baguio in 2 days. We agreed that he would pick it up the
next day.
Funny how I even said, “If you want, I can give you all my
music since you seem to love folk.”
He said, “If it’s not much of a hassle?’
I said, “No, it will probably only take 5 clicks max.”
He said thanks. It’s always nice to share music with
strangers.
I made a mental note to do it first thing when I get home.
That night, when I arrived home, I plugged his USB into my
laptop, ready to do those 5 clicks:
Click 1: Open folder of USB A (I keep
a back-up in the laptop of the catalog in every USB. Music is that essential.)
Click 2: Ctrl +A – Select All
Click 3: Ctrl + C – Copy
Click 4: Open his USB…
---- OH.
His USB’s storage is 471MB… that’s not even 5 albums.
Abort!!!
Oh no… how am I going to transfer all the music from USB A,
when the entire catalog is about 2.5 GB?
How come a European from a Developed country STILL owns a
USB like this? Hahaha kidding.
Funny how I simply assumed that no one owns a 400+MB USB anymore.
Last time I had one was in college, in 2006.
If only I knew which song he liked, I would just transfer
that specific album/playlist. Most of these albums are MP3s converted from 2-hour
YouTube playlists, so 1 playlist file is about 90MB-120MB at least. And the USB
had about 10 playlists in there, plus other albums and popular songs that didn’t
match the description of his song choice. His song is definitely in one of
those YouTube-to-mp3 playlists.
I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I also didn’t know how
I was going to make things possible at this point. The first step I thought of was
to eliminate/delete all those albums and songs that I was sure didn’t match the
description of THE song. Next was to compress the remaining playlists. I went online
to find an MP3 compressor that would turn 120MB files to 50MB ones.
Those 5 clicks I predicted that would take up a maximum of 5
minutes… turned into multiple clicks and 2 hours. Hello, Philippine Internet.
LOL. Anyway, I would compress one file, and leave it loading, then go about my
evening, then do another, and so on.
Finally, when all files were able to fit the epic 471MB USB,
I called it a night, put the USB in an envelope, scribbled “for Fred” with a
marker, and put it in my bag, making a mental note to hand it to our staff or
my partner the next day to hand to him.
It was all worth it, because not only did he leave a Thank You
note, he also left a bottle of Soju. He wrote that if ever my partner and I
find ourselves in Germany or Switzerland one day, we should contact him. His
email address was scribbled on the note too.
Two hours is nothing compared to making a new friend, for
sure, who will hopefully enjoy the music wherever he is in the world (he said
he was off to India next). Music in his 471 MB USB (sorry, it is now an inside
joke).
We surely enjoyed the Soju, 3/4 of which I drank.
Any other person interested to have music transferred to your flash drive, please bring one with 8 GB storage space at least…
- Ivee (10/06/22)
You Glow in the Dark (song in progress)
She said you looked away from the sunlight.
You wore sunglasses, closed your eyes
Turned to the other side
It's OK, she said, maybe it's too much,
too soon for you to recognize.
One thing's for sure, she understands.
Sometimes we're too preoccupied,
feeling our way through darkness,
mirroring our own shadows,
nodding to illusions.
She's happy with an oil lamp,
a flashlight, a spark from a firefly,
all alone in this forest she's called her own.
But there is a glimmer from afar,
maybe a lighthouse.
Flashing by the corner of her eye,
waiting, a car on high beam.
Light is meant to be shared,
it's either now or never.
Even the dimmest lightbulb gives its all.
Darkness simply brings out your spotlight even more.
Can't you see? She can see that ...
You glow in the dark,
you glow in the dark.
Even from afar she saw your pure heart.
Within an armor,
inside a cold stone,
she knows yours is warmth.
A light that beams,
shadows forming a beautiful scene,
You stand out from the crowd.
You glow in the dark.
- Ivee B (inprogress)
Today, three friends and I visited the homes of two friends, both recovering from ailments.
The first one is a visual artist, who suffered from paralysis & heart problems last year. We're happy to see him painting again.
The second one, a crafter, suffered a stroke years ago and is still unable to move the left part of her body. Thankfully, her joyful energy never faltered, greeting us with so much warmth and excitement.
Seeing them today was a bit of a reminder of how fleeting & insignificant most of our concerns are, how basic things like the ability to move and carry out simple tasks should not be taken for granted. I am happy to see them both recovering, that even in sickness they try to move within their space, within their capacities.
Friend number 1 is still painting, creating, despite the physical difficulty of doing so.
Friend number 2 has maintained her "loudness" (her words), her infectious laughter, and entertained us by telling us stories of her many interests, from bugs to Mesopotamia.
 |
| Workspace of Friend number 1 |
After bread, coffee, and stories were shared, my friends and I left our second friend with a bit of a heavy heart, that helpless feeling of not being able to change her situation. We decided to "process" our experiences over a bowl of noodles and bread. Most of the processing was really just us shedding off the weight quietly as we had our lunch. Later on, we asked each other - what was our takeaway from the interaction?
"Deepen connections, take care of each other," said one friend.
"Don't be too extreme or hard on yourself, everything in moderation," said another.
"We never know when sickness hits us," said the other
Aside from all that they've said, I'm also asking myself, "what are my perceived limitations and how can I move within this space in my own capacities?"
In a way, I saw that glimmer of empowerment in them, and how DESPITE these difficulties, they move, they carry on with their day, no excuses. This is not to undermine how hard their situation is, or anyone's situation for that matter. This is the situation, this is the circumstance, this is the condition. Now what?
I read somewhere that we can only truly just show up every single day, with no expectation of perfection or control. As a bit of a closet perfectionist, this is a breather.
We can't do it alone, we need community, and maybe that's a big chunk of the "now what" part.
I just wish for them to get better fully, so they can move further and take up more space.
Let us take care of ourselves, let us take care of each other...
- Ivee B (10/04/22)
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| photo taken in 2021 |
PAG-USAD (song)
Natapos din, ngunit hindi nakamit ang ninanais, ang pinaghirapan mo.
Hindi lahat ng layunin ay makakamtan, 'di ibig sabihing ito'y walang kahulugan.
Maglakad at maglakbay, ikumpas ang iyong kamay sa pintig ng iyong puso kahit na...
Tila naisantabi ang layunin.
Nakapikit ang katabi at nasisilaw pa sa liwanag ng pag-asa
Ayos lang, hawakan ang kanyang kamay.
At magpatuloy sa pag-usad...
At sa iyong paglakad, ang daan ma'y mabato
O baka maputik ang tatahakan mo.
Natural lang yan, may daan ding aspalto
Huwag mag-alala, kasama mo ako...
Maglakad at maglakbay, ikumpas ang iyong kamay sa pintig ng iyong puso kahit na...
Tila naisantabi ang layunin.
Nakapikit ang katabi at nasisilaw pa sa liwanag ng pag-asa
Ayos lang, hawakan ang kanyang kamay.
At magpatuloy sa pag-usad...
-Ivee B.
Sometimes when I look at the sunset,
I want to grab it with both hands and keep it in my pocket.
To go outside & breathe it in.
Because windows don’t do sunsets any justice.
And curtains can make you oblivious,
whether you’ve drawn them yourself
or not.
It compels me to be there for it.
I need to, I think.
I may miss it.
I may look the other way one moment,
snatched by a thought, a person, a worry,
and turn back around
only to exhale in regret.
The sun has set,
the sky’s pink-orange hue has thinned out to blue-black-grey.
Now you understand why
I need to chase it,
‘till I get to sunset’s end
and a door is waiting for me to claim it.
The claiming period is a few minutes so best hurry.
Or I may have to wait for tomorrow.
Maybe that’s what sunsets are here for.
Not to cap the day
But to give a preview of tomorrow.
If ever there is one.
- Ivee B
It’s 11.30pm. I am writing this on the last night of having myopia which I’ve had for 24 years. I will be undergoing LASIK tomorrow, a procedure that I hope, I know will change everything.
Yes, I was formally prescribed glasses at 13, but by then my
eye grade was at least 100. I remember having difficulty reading things written
on the blackboard as early as 10 years old. As a child, I was not one to tell my
caregivers what was wrong, or express my needs.
So I just pushed through, thinking that blur was normal and
I was just abnormal for having to move to the front seat of the classroom to
copy stuff from the blackboard. Then came high school. One of my
prospective schools required a comprehensive medical exam. The school doctor
made me read the eye chart, and I could no longer recite the last few lines.
She asked me to see an optometrist, and to tell my parents. I remember the feeling
of first wearing my prescribed glasses at 13—wow, the world is THIS clear? I was
living in darkness. Oh and only then did I have a clear view of the map of acne
on my face.
At 20, my kind cousin, ate Urice, gave me a powerful,
empowering college graduation gift- contact lenses. She accompanied me to the
optometrist, taught me how to use contacts, and guided me on how to purchase
contacts on my own the next time I needed new ones. I got the monthly ones, which
cost 220 per month. Since then I rarely wore glasses again, only doing so at
home or when going on long trips. I kept a mental note to myself to always have a job so I could support my habit/need of wearing contacts. Add
to that- contacts solution, and spare pairs, just in case. That was my addiction, or at least my "luho". Not that costly, but required consistency.
Contacts changed my life, and gave me a new sense of
self-esteem. It was empowering as I entered the young adult life. But it also compelled
me to be extra conscientious and sometimes fastidious. For instance, in
my early 20s straight out of college, my first-ever job involved a LOT of field
work in the Cordilleras. This meant bus rides and sleeping in homes in different
communities. I had to always consider these two plastic things stuck in my
eyeballs as much as I had to think about my job. I got used to it eventually,
and the clarity these two plastic thingies provided helped a ton, outweighing
the periodic inconveniences.
It was my litmus test
for dating too- will you be patient enough as I conducted my 10-minute ritual of removing,
cleansing, and disinfecting these two tacky things on my eyes, and putting
it back on? Will you help me blindly find a missing piece in case I accidentally
drop one on the floor?
One time, I accidentally dropped one of my contacts inside a
drum of water, and an ex-boyfriend had to “dive” into the drum to retrieve it. The
relationship didn’t last, because although he passed this particular litmus
test, he failed in all others.
In the last few years leading to today, I’ve had “vision
scares” – one doctor even tagging me as a “Glaucoma suspect.” One clinic in QC required
me to undergo all kinds of tests, only to say, “Come back in 6 months,” with no
clear diagnosis or next step. Another vision scare was me going on runs and all
of a sudden not being able to see, because my contact lenses would wiggle their
way to the back of my eyeballs. I got into a running accident in February because
of this, falling flat on my face on the pavement, one knee completely bleeding,
my pants ripped, and me calling to wake up my husband early in the morning to
come pick me up. By now prolonged wearing of glasses makes me dizzy, as they're farther
from the eyes and has a different prescription, so I can’t wear them outdoors comfortably.
In hindsight, throughout my “fully conscious”, mature-enough
existence, I never really saw the world as it is, or how I think it’s “supposed”
to look like. Is there even one way of seeing?
That moment at 13 in the optical shop, when I first saw
myself and my surroundings clearly, it was an AHA! moment, a moment of me
realizing that how I viewed the world was not only unclear, it was inaccurate. “So,
all along, other people SEE differently than I do?” – I remember thinking.
Tomorrow, the laser will cut through my cornea, creating a
flap. The flap is opened, then the laser will proceed to do its precise adjustments
inside my eye. Ahh, technology. Beautiful. And slightly overwhelming.
I’ve never had surgery in my life, and I sure hope I will
never need one. This will be a first. Just the thought of having these major
organs, these precious eyes, cut by a human-made machine; and the thinner-than-plastic
surface of the cornea oh so gently sealed back into place by the masterful
hands of a doctor… is a daunting thought. My eyes will never be the same again,
and I am more than grateful.
Thank you, current cornea. Tomorrow, you will be renewed. Something
will cut through you, and you will be in different form in less than 24 hours
from the time I finish writing this.
Thank you, eyes, for always attempting to see, even when it’s
almost always hard. Thank you for adjusting and readjusting, for blinking, for
crying, when need be.
Thank you for guiding, for absorbing, and registering this
beautiful visual world unto my brain.
Thank you for being with me, and still opening up every day,
even when all that’s greeting you is always a big blur - the ceiling, the people
around me, the chances I sometimes fail to acknowledge, the changes I delay making… or myself.
Even in darkness, you try your best. Thank you, thank you!
And I can’t wait for you to finally see 20/20, or close
enough, so at least there will be no need to always try so hard, to pretend to be
conscientious… to no longer fail to appreciate what this life still has to offer, and truly
capture what’s right in front me.
<3 Ivee
