On a cognitive level, I know that people are inherently kind, that people are just trying to survive, and that everyone has their battles.
On an emotional/instinctual level, the irrational one that's less prefrontal cortex and more amygdala, all I feel is that people don't have the best intentions... that... they hate me. Yes, hate is a strong word, but that's how I feel sometimes.
I'm recovering from it, but it's hard.
Little things tick me off. I may not show it, but my goodness do i feel it immensely. It's hard to separate thought from feeling, it takes a certain level of awareness.
I've done as much inner work as I could in the past decade or so, yet i still struggle. If that's your default "mode" or setting, you can't just turn it off one time and call it permanently solved.
Recently i had a trigger event that brought me back to this "mode". One can't help it-- we live in a world that will trigger us from time to time. We can't avoid it.
That trigger event felt like a wave and bam! I was back on self loathing island. I used that not-even-so-objectively-significant event as evidence that I didn't belong anywhere, that people look at me with one eyebrow up and that they've found me out to be unlikeable and laughable.
It got so bad i started breaking out in hives, had persistent diarrhea, and started retreating again from the world, cancelling plans and all that. I started feeling like absolute sh!t again (which i have successfully managed not to feel that much in the past few months), you know, literally wanting to crawl out of your skin.... crying every day (not all day, but at least once every day. Or is that what you call adulthood? >_<). Breathing was hard, BP high.
Awareness has always been something i'm proud to have, but this time, my awareness reached a weirdly sane level... i was aware, i let myself feel, i was able to communicate to my partner that i wasn't in my best state, and... life went on.
Life always went on, but there was always a looming sense of... sense of desire to change how i was feeling. This time around, i had no desire to change it and make myself "happy". I just had a desire to want to go through it as smoothly as i can.
"Grow through what you're going through" - read this somewhere.
I think that's good enough. I hope so
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